The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

I just found out today that I have a cyst *sp?*in my head. My mom told me it's nothing to worry bout, but I'm still scared. I'm scared to death! I don't know what's going on with me. I hear vocies in my head telling me to do things I don't want to do. I don't know who to listen to. I'm so alone. So very alone now. I have no one not realy only my mom. My best friend hates me, sure I have some friends on here that I care for but they don't know me..... Noone does. I'm so scared. But then again............ what do you care? What does anyone care?

1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

2. A 3-year-old is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.



3. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.



4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a large room.



5. When using the ceiling fan as a baseball bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.



6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.



7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.



8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.



9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.



10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a six-year-old.



11. "Play-Doh" and "microwave" should never be used in the same sentence.



12. Super glue is forever.



13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.



14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.



15. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.



16. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.



17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise in a moving car.



18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.



19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.



20. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. It will, however, make cats dizzy.



21. Cats spit up twice their body weight when dizzy.

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.

He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.



Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, ''Can I help you?''



''Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines.''

* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you ''like it that way.''

* Drum on every available surface.

* Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

* Staple papers in the middle of the page.

* Ask 800 operators for dates.

* Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.

* Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.

* Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

* Specify that your drive-through order is ''to go.''

* Set alarms for random times.

* Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.

* Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

* Honk and wave to strangers.

* Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.

* Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

* Tape pieces of ''Sweating to the Oldies'' over climactic parts of rental movies. * Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.

* ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

* only type in lowercase.

* dont use any punctuation either.

* Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

* Pay for your dinner with pennies.

* Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

* Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: ''Do you hear that?'' ''What?'' ''Never mind, it's gone now.''

* Light road flares on a birthday cake.

* Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

* Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

* Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

* At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

* As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

* Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

* Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.

* Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

* Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

* Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce ''No, wait, I messed it up!'' and repeat.

* Drive half a block.

* Name your dog ''Dog.''

* Ask people what gender they are.

* Reply to everything someone says with ''That's what YOU think.''

* Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.

* Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a ''real hoot''.

* Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off ''in case the big one comes''.

* Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.

* Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as ''Feliz Navidad'', the Archies' ''Sugar'' or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

* While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

* Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

* Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

* Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

* Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.

* Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

* Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

* Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

* Wear a LOT of cologne.

* Ask to ''interface'' with someone.

* Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your ''superior mental processing.''

* Sing along at the opera.

* Mow your lawn with scissors.

* At a golf tournament, chant ''swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!''

* Finish all your sentences with the words ''in accordance with prophesy.''

* Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

* Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about ''psychological profiles.''

* Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a ''magic picture''.

* Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

* Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.

* Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

* Never make eye contact.

* Never break eye contact.

* Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

* Construct elaborate ''crop circles'' in your front lawn.

* Construct your own pretend ''tricorder'' and ''scan'' people with it, announcing the results.

* Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.

* Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

* Make appointments for the 31st of September.

* Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

* Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.



2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.



3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.



4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.



5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.



6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.



7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.



8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.



9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.



10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."



The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... let's pretend we're married."



"Why not?" giggles the woman.



"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if, by some miracle, they actually found the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged across two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE RUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THIS HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS....



I'm sorry... what did you ask me?

A woman at a party walked up to a man and told him, ''If you were my husband I would poison your drink." The man replied, ''If you were my wife I would drink it.''

A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a fancy new watch, covered with buttons and lights and dials. The woman next to him says, “Wow, that's a really fancy watch.”

“Thanks, says the guy, “It's the cutting edge of technology. I can telepathically ask this watch anything I want to know, and it'll answer me, telepathically.”

“Rubbish, you're having me on,” says the girl.

“No, it's true,” says that guy. “Look, tell you what, I'll prove it. I'll ask it if you've got any panties on.” The guy scrunches up his eyes for a moment, as if concentrating hard to talk to his watch, then opens them and says, “Nope, it says you haven't got any panties on.”

“Well, it's wrong,” says the girl, “I do have panties on.”

”Damn,” says the guy, slapping his watch, “it's an hour fast!”

Q: How do you keep a man from drowning?

A: Take your foot off his head!

For all you guys out therewho just can't figure it out, here it is: In the world of romance, one single ruleapplies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something shedislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something sheexpects...Sorry, that's the way the game is played.



Here is a guide to thepoint system.



Simple Duties:



You make the bed..+1

You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pllows..0

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets..-1

You leave the toilet seat up..-5

You leave the toilet lid down..-10 after the lights are out..-30

You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty..0

When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex..-1

When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom..-2

You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings..+5

But return with beer ..-5

You check out a suspicious noise at night ...0

You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing..0

You check out a suspicious noise and it's something..+5

You pummel it with a six iron..+10

It's her father..-10



Social Engagements:



You stay by her side the entire party..0

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy..-2

Named Tiffany..-4

Tiffany is a dancer..-6

Tiffany has implants..-8



Her Birthday:



You take her out to dinner..0

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ......+1

Okay, it is a sports bar..-2

And it's all-you-can-eat night..-3

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team..-10



A Night Out With The Boys:



Go out with a pal ..-5

And the pal is happily married ..-4

Or frighteningly single ..-7

And he drives a Mustang..-10

With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ..-15



A Night Out:



You take her to a movie..+2

You take her to a movie she likes..+4

You take her to a movie you hate..+6

You take her to a movie you like..-2

It's called DeathCop 3..-3

Which features cyborgs having sex..-9

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans .........-15



Your Physique:



You develop a noticeable potbelly..-15

You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it....+10

You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts ..-30

You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too"...-800



The Big Question:



She asks, "Do I look fat?" ..-5

You hesitate in responding..-10

You reply, "Where?"..-35



Communication:



When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression ..0

When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes..+5

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV..+10

She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep..-20

A fellow bought a newCorvette and was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down,the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and bluelight behind him.



"There ain't no waythey can catch a Corvette," he thought to himself and opened her up further. Theneedle hit 90, 100, 130 and finally 150 with the light still behind him. "Whatthe hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.



The cop came up to him,took his license without a word and examined it and the car. ''I've had a tough shift andthis is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me anexcuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!"



"Last week my wife ranoff with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give herback!"



"Off you go,"said the officer.

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.



After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."



On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"



“He said you're going to die," she replied.

Translating Male Phrases



"I'm going fishing."

Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a streamwith a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"It's a guy thing."

Really means.... "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."



"Can I help with dinner?"

Really means... "Why isn't it already on the table?"



"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."

Really means... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.



"It would take too long to explain."

Really means... "I have no idea how it works."



"I'm getting more exercise lately."

Really means... "The batteries in the remote are dead."



"We're going to be late."

Really means... "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."



"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."

Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."



"That's interesting, dear."

Really means... "Are you still talking?"



"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."

Really means... "I forgot our anniversary again."



"That's women's work."

Really means... "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."



"You know how bad my memory is."

Really means... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."



"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."

Really means... "I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."



"I do help around the house."

Really means... "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."



"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."

Really means... "I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."



"I can't find it."

Really means... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."



"What did I do this time?"

Really means... "What did you catch me doing?"



"I heard you."

Really means... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and I'm hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next days yelling at me."



"You look terrific."

Really means... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."



"I missed you."

Really means... "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."



"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."

Really means... "I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again."



"I don't need to read the instructions."

Really means... "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."